Algún día

Algún día volveremos a encontrarnos. Y ese día todo habrá cambiado. La luna brillará igual y todo estará en el mismo sitio, menos nosotros. Perpetuar algo que nunca duraría quizás fue absurdo, pero lo aprendido no lo es. A lo mejor habrás crecido, ya no parecerás un niño y serás todo un hombre, y hayas pasado a ser otra persona. Alguien que ya no tiene miedo, que ha dejado a un lado sus inseguridades y que no le faltan ganas de enfrentarse al mundo. Puede que nuestras hayan dado un giro de 360º y no nos miremos igual. Puede que te vea como un simple recuerdo que huele a nostalgia y sonría al mirar atrás. Y puede que en nuestros respectivos caminos hayamos encontrado a otras personas que nos han hecho darnos cuenta de que todo lo que aprendimos el uno del otro ha servido para algo. Que querer es cosa de dos, y quererse de una.

Puede que ese día nos extrañemos de estar en una situación tan extraña, de darnos cuenta de como había pasado el tiempo, y como nuestras vidas habían cambiado. El tiempo pudo hacer el olvido, pero no borró los recuerdos. Quizás camine de la mano con otra persona por ese sitio e incluso sea irónico, pero será real.
Ese día sentiré que todo lo que sufrí tenía un fin y que nunca habría cambiado tanto si no hubiera sido por ti. Creí, en su día, que siempre serías ese alguien especial para mí y que dificilmente encontraría a alguien igual. Pero por suerte, dicen que la vida da muchas vueltas y que el tren se descarrila. No es que dejáramos el tren pasar, sino que nunca fue el mismo. Es más, caminábamos en direcciones opuestas pero el tiempo se encargó de poner todo en su lugar. Y así estamos.

Algún día entenderé que, gracias a ti, encontré la mejor versión de mi misma y supe sacarla a flote. Que todo aquello que hacía por mí, empezó a ser por los demás. Tu me enseñaste que cuando hay razones, nada puede frenarte. Y quien la sigue, la consigue. Supiste transmitirme tus ganas de comerte el mundo y no dejar que nada ni nadie te pare. Y que, en parte, gracias a ti, pude enfrentarme a aquello que temía.
Ese día te daré las gracias por todo lo que me hiciste aprender y me alegraré de verte, con nuestras respectivas vidas del revés, sentados en el mismo banco, pero con unos años de más.

V.

Let us be

Be there, and let the warmth of your hands ease my mind. Let me be the song stuck in your head and the words that echo in your heart. Let me be your light in the dark, and never close the door. I never heard a knock but built it myself. 

And when you think of me, I hope your heart bleeds, and a light tear drops down the soft cheek I used to kiss. 

Let me be the memories you read when your wrinkly eyes can no longer recognise me. 

Be there to comfort my insecurities and encourage me to reach my goals. 

Let me be the trust you always looked for and seemed to give away to the wrong people. Let my smoothness heal your brokeness. 

As far away as I may go it seems you will always be hidden around some corner. No matter how long those summer nights were, the following morning you were no longer there. You seem to vanish as fast as the speed of this train and wink at me through an opaque barrier. 

Let me be the warmth of your toughness and your cuddling partner on rainy days. 

Be there to stay as much as I want to leave and hold my hand. Let me attach to those palms of yours and never let them go.

I am still figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I created to please you. Anyway, they seemed to blend with those of mine and will hardly detach. 

Let me be your 3 am call and your good morning kiss. 

Let me be the one singing the lyrics back to your heart when you forget the words. 

I realised that I wanted you to save me, but you were the one who needed saving from yourself. The opacity of your thoughts and that cold heart of yours always seemed to stir up troubles among myself, and sadly, I will still be looking for you in a crowded place. 

It's okay if I'm not the favourite chapter you've written, but I still hope you smile when you flip back to the pages I was a part of. 

As close or as far as we may be, let us be. 

V. 

The book I never wrote

You were the book I never wrote and the stories I never told. Somehow you managed your way and slipping through my fingers you suddenly were someone. Before I even realised you were already there, standing still, but facing backwards. 

You were hidden but I could see you in between. 

Even though I had so many lines in mind I never seemed to find the right words to speak them out. 

And for the first time in a long time I got it together. The spare pages I managed to put in a pile. 

I looked back to the beginning and wondered how could have things changed so drastically.

But I no longer had ink to re-write it. 

Old photographs reminded me of how we felt back in the day, but that was all gone. It would be useless to deny that the warmth of your hands eased my agony and seemed to inspire in me a desire to grow stronger. But it would also be ridiculous to think that it was still the same. That things hadn't changed and that looks remained as they had been before. 

Life is made of cycles, and I had been pushing myself on purpose inside it, when it no longer had sense at all. It was time to focus on what was around me rather than regretting or wondering "what if..."

It seems to me that the story repeats itself even though there is nothing new to write about. Perhaps it was the end where we began or the beginning that never started, but all those spare pages and stories had faded away into the past, and there was no going back. 

V. 

Never mind, we were never meant to be.

I had caught myself up in the false idea that it was somehow meant to be. And I had probably held onto that much longer than what we lasted. What I certainly believe is that everyone that crosses your path has something backing it up.

Perhaps its objective had already been accomplished, and all it had to do was teach you. And those lessons you will realise throughout life, not all at once. 

First of all, it taught me about myself; about the dispair I feel when things don't go as I expect. But how to manage my way through a troubled path.

It taught me how things might have put up differently and when we turn around everything is upside down, and how we can't turn our back to problems. Facing challenges and struggling is part of the process. 

How are we meant to appreciate the good if we haven't gone through the bad?

The comfortness of holding onto what is willing to let go is often a late reaction, but shouldn't we be more alert of that distance?

What I am certain of, is that what has to be finds its way, and what isn't will just fade away with time. 

Sometimes we just rely on what we are comfortable with, we keep looking back for answers and explanations as to why it didn't go as planned. We look at photos and we re-read old conversations hoping that things come back to the way they were. But we should forget about what was left behind because it is only somehow torturing you in the craving for that specific moment, and anchors you to the past. Healing is a slow process they say, but unless you stop pouring alcohol into those wounds they will never recover. Just because the past taps you on the shoulder doesn't mean you have to look back. 

V. 

Todo cambia, pero todo sigue igual

Es curioso como algo que estaba tan lejano vuelve hacia ti tan sutilmente, pero tan de golpe a la vez. 

Es como si te tropezaras sin parar con la misma piedra. Es incluso ridículo como algo que dejaste atrás ahora esta por delante de ti. Como no has cambiado de prioridades, ni de debilidades. Porque después de todo, sigue siento tu punto débil, donde la razón no tiene ni voz ni voto. 

Me pregunto que será lo que tiene para poder alegrar mis días o entristecerlos. Como es una pregunta sin respuesta, vamos a plantearlo de otra forma: tiene algo que puede cambiar tu perspectiva sobre la vida. Y esto son palabras mayores, pero es esa persona que puede motivarte a conseguir tus metas, a ejemplificarte como eres capaz de lo que te propongas, y te lo demuestre. Un "confío en ti" es suficiente para alargar tus noches.

Pero pienso que no se ha acabado, y me niego a admitirlo, porque las historias deben tener un final, sea feliz o no, pero este libro necesita algo para poder cerrarlo. Porque una página no se puede dejar a medias. Y es verdad que cuando llegues a la última página, debes cerrar el libro. Pero aún no has llegado, y sigues mojando la tinta para escribir palabras que no existen, y actos que no tienen lugar. 

Podrias pasarte horas y horas hablando de como nunca te esperarías que volviera de esa forma, pero una vez ha vuelto hay varias formas de afrontarlo; la incertidumbre te tiene en vilo y te pasas horas mirando por la ventana con un aire de melancolía y arrebato que sólo alguien es capaz de quitarte. Pero aún estando en sus manos no mueve ficha. Puede no moverla por infinitas razones, pero el caso es que esta estático, y tu viendo la vida pasar. 

Creo que todos merecemos un final feliz, así que busca a otro que pueda escribir una historia de cero y dejar esa media página como esta, nadie puede rellenarla por ti, solo es mutuo. Así que deja de mirar por la ventana, y sal por ella. Ve y busca lo que te mereces porque si él no te valora, hazme caso que es porque hay algo mucho mejor detrás de las puertas cerradas. 

V. 

Over

Even though her heart had been shipwrecked, she restlessly stood up for herself; no one could do it on her behalf. She had to trust upon her own instincts and travel far beyond her inside convolution of feelings. 

She had no longer the option to stay. As much as her heart wanted to, her mind indicated the opposite; it was heavily damaging for her and she couldn't bare it any longer. Almost as if she was long gone to another dimension of reflection amongst which reality seemed far far away. She hadn't imagined the story or made up a fairy tale, but she had slightly transformed the present tense into a past and a future at the same time. Not many people could understand what on earth could be inside her head to make her so different, so drastically changing her as a person. 

The thing is, no one could get inside her as much as he did. He, who had in his hands a remote control for a long time to wirelessly control her mood, was willing to let go that power long ago. But he unconsciously kept pressing the infinite bottons. He, who had the possibility of making her the happiest woman on earth, clearly took a step forward in the opposite direction. No matter how hard it seemed, he was determined to get to that place, regardless of obstacles he might find in the way and carefully following that path, ignoring the divergent simultaneous ones. 

She had always questioned what could be inside his mind. If she could actually get that much inside him as he could do with her. If she had the power to make him feel like the world stopped for a while. Or if it was just nonsense. If it was mere entertainment and all that she wondered was far from reality. That was for a long time her big question. Whether it all had some sort of sense or if it was a result of her overpowering desire of it to be real. 

When it was time for her to leave, forever, she had one last thing to ask. She had to know. Although his reply was no surprise to her, who knows if he spoke the entire truth of if he might have hiden within the unspoken words in his heart feelings that could sink her very deep down. Perhaps it could be him feeling the exact same for her or completely the opposite: him being emotionally alienated to those feelings of hers. 

Either way, paths were clearly diverging from each other into opposite ends. Sometimes all you need is a good fall to know where you stand. And from that moment on, she knew she had to go back to square one and redesign her life beginning on herself. Her tendency was to rely upon others as to her happiness, and in various occasions she had seen it fail. She realised it could no longer depend on everyone else surrounding her; but it was time to shift positions and change perspective. 

She managed to stick all of her pieces together, and in one way or another, they seemed to remain still.

She figured out that the best and only way to keep him out of the way was to erase all the memories that had been holding her back for so long. Not only texts, but mental images too. Almost as if she had blocked out all kind of moment she had in her memory that uncontrollably made her desire to go back in time. She pushed away everything that didn't allow her to move forward. Whether if it was for the better or not, it appeared as if she didn't even remember what had been going on for that period. Her mind had fought so hard to let that go that even the good things had gone away too. 

And it is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and she became in fact bulletproof to all those undercover feelings that could easily make their way through her soft and transparent layers. 

She figured out that all she needed was a hero, and that's what she became. 

V.

Y va para largo!

Todo empezó antes de lo que creías. Aunque le pusiste fecha y hora a ese momento, ya venía de largo. Cuando ni si quiera tenías conciencia de como tratar a los que estaban a tu alrededor y eras tan inocente que solo te quedaba reírte y disfrutar de lo que veías. Y a veces con melancolía intentas revivir esos momentos y vuelves a los mismos lugares para al menos respirar la esencia de la libertad que tenías.

 Pero sin esperarlo, llega ese instante en el que crees estar viviéndolo en el presente, como si un deja vù se convirtiera en el presente. 

Y es que hay veces que aunque cierres puertas, te llaman a gritos desde dentro hasta que no tienes mas remedio que abrirla. Y cuando vuelves a notar la brisa del mar en ese mismo sitio sabes que hay una segunda parte. Que era una historia por terminar, y que si el pasado te estaba reclamando algo era porque tenías algo pendiente.  

Es diferente a un principio, por que no es algo desconocido, es aquello de lo que tienes conciencia mucho antes del comienzo de todo. Es como si ya conocieras todo antes de vivirlo, pero al mismo tiempo tienes la incertidumbre de lo que puede deparar el futuro. Y creías que era imposible que pudiera reabrirse la herida que ya había cicatrizado; pero dicen que solo puede arreglarte el corazón la misma persona que te lo rompió. Y ojalá sean muchos 23 más. 

V.